Why Do I Feel Like I Don't Belong?

My young friend Bee, who considers me her big sister called me to ask me "why do I feel like I don't belong anywhere? Sometimes I feel like an outcast. I feel like an outsider in the groups I try to be. Is something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Etc.. "

I know exactly what she is talking about. I felt like that when I was her age, maybe not for the same reasons but I know the feeling. As a matter of fact every now and then, I have that feeling around certain people, especially SOME Haitians - In real life or virtually. Some make it their business to make you feel that way, but sometimes I think about it, I don't think they do it purposely or realize that they do it. It's just in their DNA. Sometimes, it's just my own emotions or my mind playing tricks on me. But I usually snap out of it pretty quickly. I don't sit and beat myself up just because someone makes me feel like I don't fit in or because I THINK that I don't. It wasn't the case when I was younger, but now, I'm perfectly fine with who I am, where I come from, who my parents are etc... I went through what most young people go through, especially in a country based on "classes" and where you are constantly reminded of which one you belong to.

Unlike my young friend Bee, I NEVER felt like I wasn't good enough, but I did feel like I didn't fit in in my early years, both in College St. Pierre and Eglise Baptiste des Cités. But as I matured, I learned to master the feeling. I became comfortable in my own skin and who I am. But not everyone can deal with it like I do, especially Bee, at her age. At least not alone yet.

Bee is a very beautiful girl, but like me at her age, she thinks she is the ugliest girl and that no boys would like her; and just like me, she could not be more wrong. What I told Bee is that she is unique. There is only one Bee. There will never be two. Therefore, it's time for her to start embracing who she is and "love the skin she's in";  and most importantly, make sure she is THE BEST at whatever she does. Don't ever let those negative thoughts make you start limiting yourself by making you think that you belong to a specific group, place or by yourself. Don't let past experiences where others made you feel like that by things they've said or done keep you back or make you angry all the time. What you put out is what you will get back from others. So, be happy. Make others feel comfortable to be around you.

One thing I know for sure is that you don't want to change who you are or pretend to be someone else just to fit in or to be someone's friend. You certainly don't want to lose yourself. Staying authentic and true to who you are is what will make you attractive to others; and because of our uniqueness, we can learn from each other. If we all start being the same, then we become lame. If someone can't like you for you, then don't waste your time being around that person. Keep it moving.

Something else Bee needed to know was don't ever assume that you don't belong before you even spend time with the person or the group. Don't start out by thinking "people like them will never like me" or "people like them don't care about people like me". Don't start out by expecting the worse from others. Don't let beliefs that were implanted in you or what you've heard about a particular person or group of people determine whether you'll belong in their circle or not, without even giving them a chance. You are restricting yourself and are not being fair to them. Even if you actually tried and one or two persons in the group mistreated you, don't assume that the whole group of people is the same. The bigotry  of one or two individuals can not and should not determine the personality of an entire group of people.

Personally, I was never really part of a particular group, gang, or click of friends. Except almost at the end of High School. Even then, very few in the group were considered my friends. I was the one who was friendly with all but friends with few. Very few. The way I see it is: I belong where I say I belong. Nobody will make me feel inferior unless I let them. I give people a chance to know me and accept me for who I am and I do the same for them. If it doesn't work, I move on. At least I tried. I don't mind being alone and hang out with myself either. I don't HAVE to belong to a group or depend on anyone else to be happy or comfortable with myself. I make friends with myself.

Remember: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt.

Don't be afraid of who you are and your past experiences because “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” Eleanor Roosevelt

“Don't let anyone tell you that you have to be a certain way. Be unique. Be what you feel.” Melissa Etheridge

Embrace and celebrate who you are! And remember "You were born an original. Don't die a copy" John Mason.









                                                               

The World Doesn’t Revolve Around You

Some people really believe that the world revolves around them and I am not one hundred percent sure why. Maybe it boosts their ego? Maybe it feels good for them to feel important? more important than they really are… Who knows?

Case 1: The High School Attention-Wore Who Never Grew Up

We all had that friend in high school who thought she was it! Or maybe you were that friend. You know, that friend who thought that she was the head bitch in charge, who loved to be praised, and received compliments all day and when she didn’t get it, she asked for it? That friend who loved to compare herself with others to boost her ego on vain things? I knew one of those in high school. As a matter of fact, I should just call her a classmate. She was never really my friend. We maybe were cool during a period of time but it didn’t last long. She was what we call an attention-whore. If she thought she was looking good on a Monday, we were in trouble. She would walk around the classroom, she would speak the loudest . She was a bully too….Well, that was the past. So I thought.

Almost a decade later, she has not changed much. Many of us have reconnected through Facebook over the past years. Since we were cool, as soon as we became “Facebook Friends”, I sent her an email asking her about how she was doing etc… You know, just to update each other on our lives. But I got no response. Yet, she was online everyday. I tried to chat, same thing. So, I decided to send a second email asking her why she has not responded. She replied “I don’t have time for little drama. I am a very busy person. I didn’t even see your email…” blablabla. On the cahts? “She never saw it, etc…” Something about her computer. I still rose above her drama or should I say ignorance and continued to be civil with her. After all, I knew that that was very typical of her and she was just trying to boost her ego by making herself sound very busy and important.

As months go by, I commented on her photos that she posted about different moments of her life, but I realized that she replied to many but rarely (if ever) my comments and some others who went to school with us; I guess she chose a different crowd because she was always that person who would go as low as she can if she thinks someone is from a certain class, live in a certain area, has a certain name or connection…. She has not changed one bit. I decided to keep her on my list, but ignored her. I stopped boosting her ego: no commenting on her pictures, no sending her messages asking her how she is doing… Nada.
Weeks ago, we commented on different common friends’ posts. I decided to not acknowledge her. She posts pictures about other big moments of her life, I ignored her while other common friends were all over them. Truthfully, I forgot that she even existed, until I see her updates or somehow is brought to my attention.
Suddenly, about two weeks ago, we both commented on something and minutes later, she posted something about removing people from her page because “they only come to look at her business *what business?) but don’t really care about her. If you are a real friend, you have to care. You have to want to know how your friend is doing blablabla…” Something along those lines. She made sure to post on something I posted so I can notice that she removed me.

I really didn't care that she did. As a matter of fact, I was glad because my plan was to detox that page and my life of dead weights and folks I call “friends” who are as fake as Pamela Anderson’s boobs. She was going to be one of those fake people.

She was upset because I was no longer boosting her ego and was complimenting other common friends that we have and it didn’t sit well with her. Another thing, since I was always the one asking how she is doing and her mom etc… What about she asking how I was doing? I went through some times too and it would have felt great to know that she wanted to know how I’m doing. Friendship is a two-way street.

All of this is to say that some folks don’t realize that others have their lives to live too and that the world does not revolve around them. People have other things to worry about, such as: work, home, family, the economy etc…In your own little cloud, you may believe you are the most important thing, but don’t try to put that on others and trying to become their occupation, because seriously there are other important things that are going on, while you’re sitting and demanding everyone else’s attention.

And like someone else said, “emotions are contagious”. If you have that negative vibe coming from you, that’s what you will get from others. If you don’t care, then others won’t care either. It’s just the way it is.
“When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.” Bernard Bailey 
 
And since some folks are all mixed up about how to be a friend, it’s very simple: "The only way to have a friend is to be one." Ralph Waldo Emerson.
 
Case #2 coming soon