Why Do I Feel Like I Don't Belong?

My young friend Bee, who considers me her big sister called me to ask me "why do I feel like I don't belong anywhere? Sometimes I feel like an outcast. I feel like an outsider in the groups I try to be. Is something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Etc.. "

I know exactly what she is talking about. I felt like that when I was her age, maybe not for the same reasons but I know the feeling. As a matter of fact every now and then, I have that feeling around certain people, especially SOME Haitians - In real life or virtually. Some make it their business to make you feel that way, but sometimes I think about it, I don't think they do it purposely or realize that they do it. It's just in their DNA. Sometimes, it's just my own emotions or my mind playing tricks on me. But I usually snap out of it pretty quickly. I don't sit and beat myself up just because someone makes me feel like I don't fit in or because I THINK that I don't. It wasn't the case when I was younger, but now, I'm perfectly fine with who I am, where I come from, who my parents are etc... I went through what most young people go through, especially in a country based on "classes" and where you are constantly reminded of which one you belong to.

Unlike my young friend Bee, I NEVER felt like I wasn't good enough, but I did feel like I didn't fit in in my early years, both in College St. Pierre and Eglise Baptiste des Cités. But as I matured, I learned to master the feeling. I became comfortable in my own skin and who I am. But not everyone can deal with it like I do, especially Bee, at her age. At least not alone yet.

Bee is a very beautiful girl, but like me at her age, she thinks she is the ugliest girl and that no boys would like her; and just like me, she could not be more wrong. What I told Bee is that she is unique. There is only one Bee. There will never be two. Therefore, it's time for her to start embracing who she is and "love the skin she's in";  and most importantly, make sure she is THE BEST at whatever she does. Don't ever let those negative thoughts make you start limiting yourself by making you think that you belong to a specific group, place or by yourself. Don't let past experiences where others made you feel like that by things they've said or done keep you back or make you angry all the time. What you put out is what you will get back from others. So, be happy. Make others feel comfortable to be around you.

One thing I know for sure is that you don't want to change who you are or pretend to be someone else just to fit in or to be someone's friend. You certainly don't want to lose yourself. Staying authentic and true to who you are is what will make you attractive to others; and because of our uniqueness, we can learn from each other. If we all start being the same, then we become lame. If someone can't like you for you, then don't waste your time being around that person. Keep it moving.

Something else Bee needed to know was don't ever assume that you don't belong before you even spend time with the person or the group. Don't start out by thinking "people like them will never like me" or "people like them don't care about people like me". Don't start out by expecting the worse from others. Don't let beliefs that were implanted in you or what you've heard about a particular person or group of people determine whether you'll belong in their circle or not, without even giving them a chance. You are restricting yourself and are not being fair to them. Even if you actually tried and one or two persons in the group mistreated you, don't assume that the whole group of people is the same. The bigotry  of one or two individuals can not and should not determine the personality of an entire group of people.

Personally, I was never really part of a particular group, gang, or click of friends. Except almost at the end of High School. Even then, very few in the group were considered my friends. I was the one who was friendly with all but friends with few. Very few. The way I see it is: I belong where I say I belong. Nobody will make me feel inferior unless I let them. I give people a chance to know me and accept me for who I am and I do the same for them. If it doesn't work, I move on. At least I tried. I don't mind being alone and hang out with myself either. I don't HAVE to belong to a group or depend on anyone else to be happy or comfortable with myself. I make friends with myself.

Remember: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt.

Don't be afraid of who you are and your past experiences because “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” Eleanor Roosevelt

“Don't let anyone tell you that you have to be a certain way. Be unique. Be what you feel.” Melissa Etheridge

Embrace and celebrate who you are! And remember "You were born an original. Don't die a copy" John Mason.